Wherefore Art Thou upon a Saturday Night?

What: Live Music - "Oink Henderson and the Squealers"; "Billy Hoake and the Hoax"
Where: Shakespeare's Pub and Grill; The Mill
When: Saturday, April 12
Cost: Free

Two bars, both alike in dignity,
In fair Iowa City, where we lay our scene,
From ancient patrons break to hipsters fresh,
Where civil well drinks make civil bodies drunk.
A pair of mismatched bands take hold the night.

I should have known upon entering Shakespeare's Pub and Grill that I was in for some serious shenanigans. As we pulled the car into the parking lot, a gray haired man wearing a court jester's hat suddenly burst out the door and dashed through the parking lot, a flock of equally aged individuals in hot pursuit, yelling and laughing.

My boyfriend and I giggled at the sight of over-the-hill townies dancing as we settled into a booth in the corner of the bar. The band, "Oink Henderson and the Squealers" was comprised entirely of men in their 60's who donned Hawaiian shirts and court jester hats. While the band itself lost points for playing corny bar staples such as "8675309/Jenny," they weren't lacking in stage presence and crowd approval. They even had a trumpeter whom they lovingly called "Hot Lips." And the townies, who appeared to be celebrating a birthday, were out in droves and were tearing up the dance floor with the same vigor as any crowd at a downtown bar. Also, the well drinks were about 45% larger with a much nicer alcohol/mixer ratio.

But before we could fall down the rabbit hole, my beau and I were inevitably summoned to meet friends at a more student-appropriate locale - the Mill. Noticing that the bars were near closing time, we decided to try to catch the tail-end performance of the band "Billy Hoake and the Hoax" for the reduced cover price of $0 (note that original cover cost is $5). The experience that was to follow was nothing short of scary. The band was screaming into microphones - shirtless - and some were wearing tinfoil so not to "steal the crowd's thoughts." I realized immediately that the band was less about musical quality and more about performance. During the last 'song,' they held up a sign boldly declaring "Free Warren Jeffs," while the crowd watched on stoically. Trying to ease the pain, I sipped my well drink, which tasted like pure alcohol.

Alas, I may be misinforming you all on the magic that is "Billy Hoake and the Hoax," so check out the Mill's calendar to catch their next performance. As for Shakespeare's, I highly recommend this townie gem to those jaded by IC nightlife. Go forth!